Comes the Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company isn’t security.
(Kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.)
After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn…
E-emo na naman ako!
Not really emo per se, I’m better now. Truly!! Thanks to the love of friends and family who’ve been helping me pull through quite a tough moment in my simple life. Anyhow, the tears have dried up (I think and I hope!). There are still moments where sadness comes but gladly words of encouragement have all been helpful. I’m headstrong now, almost at the point of no-looking back, only looking forward. I think the day when I’ll be laughing at myself for having sulked and moped is actually drawing near.
Right now I’m feeling that there is no better place to be than here, no better moment than now, and no better person to live my life to the fullest than me.
However, if there’s one thing I’ll still wish for more than anything at this moment that would be to get the closure I need. But per Jason and Ridj (yay! my other best friend is back!! that’s another story), sometimes I’ll only find it within me. So find it within me, I shall!
For one more (and hopefully last) time, I look back nostalgically and lovingly at the two and a half years that passed with the first guy I dared to share dreams with and loved. In so doing, I choose to be thankful for the happy memories shared. I celebrate the fact that I finally learned love firsthand, with all its rollercoaster turns. And I don’t regret having learned it with and from him, for he is a great person. I choose to think of how the whole experience has helped shape me to be who I am today. I acknowledge the fact that for many moments while in that relationship I know that I loved and was loved back. I don’t regret the choices (sudden as they may have been) because they must have been destined to be made. I try to keep myself from continuing to hope that a reunion is in the works in the future. Hoping for such might not be in both of our best interests. But I also try to be open for its possibility (it’s actually tough if you ask me! Sidenote: how do you not hope and remain open for the possibility? ) because I don’t know what the future holds.
I will not and cannot say how a good thing such as "us" fell apart. That will be partial — you’ll only hear my side of the story. The great person that he is deserves the privacy and his side of the coin. Besides, I still don’t know what exactly made it crumble anyways. For my sanity, I will choose not to keep finding out.
I also accept the reality that transitioning from being a "couple" to being "just friends" is a tough achievement that only a privileged few get to work out. I hope we work it out that way, so I’m praying for lots of luck. For now, I’ll respect the space we both need to sort our stuff out on our own. At the right time, "friendship" will be worked out.
Rebounds? A super no-no for me. I choose to be in this state of reborn-singlehood for at least six months. Probably even longer than that. We’ll see. Yes, you guessed it right I am not looking for anyone right now (haha! as if someone’s looking for me?!?). First, because it’s not fair especially to me and also to him. You can’t just replace someone as though they were things, especially someone who’s got a hold of your heart for quite sometime. Doing so would be similar to lying to your heart (to yourself). Also, I can’t jump into a new relationship without allowing myself to learn, really learn from the old one I just got out of. There are a lot of things to work on within me, so that comes first priority.
Now, that’s closure. 🙂
For those of you tired of me talking about this, please note that this may be my last post about the topic. I will try to make the next ones different and more sensible. Some will still cover relationships, of course, but on a more detached tone.
My dawn has come!