Wish

I have been told that there are a few events in life when you are allowed a free wish.
When blowing out your birthday candle
On a wishbone
On dandelions
When you see a rainbow
When you visit a church for the first time
On a fountain
When you chance upon seeing a shooting star…
Why am I listing these things, you ask. 

Just in the past few weeks, as I went on  a trip halfway across the world, I was given way too many chances to make a wish. 
Rome, Assisi, Orvieto, Florence, Siena, Padova, Venice. I have lost count of how many new churches I entered. From cathedrals to chapels. Knocking on the doors of heaven each time. Lighting candles at altars. Asking my saints for all their intercession. 
 

Then, I stumbled upon fountains. Spewing and spraying their water at the height of noon, as dusk came, brilliant lights through the night. I even threw a coin in one of them. And a video to show for it. My five second shot at fame, I gamely and jokingly chide my mom who also was my camera crew.
You would think that I have these many things I may be wishing for. Or one thing I want fulfilled so fervently. Many or one that pushes all the silent whispers of my soul in those many moments.


And, as we left for home at the crack of dawn on our last day in Italy, there it was, just out of the blue, a shooting star.
And to be honest, each time I had my chance to make a wish, I thought of him. The memory of summer days spent also halfway across the world.
I just didn’t know what exactly to wish for or how to.
So, I just asked that wherever he may be, he is well.
And wherever I may be now or in the future, I will be well too.
Did I waste my wishes?
Well, each time I got bashful as I made my wishes, I get one audacious moment and mutter under my breath…
Who am I kidding, Lord? You know what is in this heart. This is why you keep granting me all these chances to make a wish. Make them come true, in their rightful time.
And with that, I stand up from the pew, throw the coin into the water, or follow the meteorite’s trail with my eye. And smile.
My Promise Keeper is at work.

Satisfied

You know those moments when you feel as though you want to say something, but don’t know what.  But deep inside your heart there is a longing for something.

This past weekend a dear friend of mine got married.  It was a beautiful wedding, as theirs is also a beautiful love.
And I wondered when my turn would come.  It’s a wide and arid desert, this journey as one, with no plus-one.  I wondered how it would feel like, as I had forgotten how it is to be in a relationship by now.  Besides, I don’t really regard most of the ‘relationships’ I’ve been in as valid.   So, I prayed, but I didn’t know what to.  Thus, I took to the Internet and asked Mr Google and Mr Facebook if they had pointers.  Neither of them did, but in my heart was a voice showing me the way to what I want to share with you all today…  What made my being single, this sacrament of waiting, feel that it’s now worth my while, until the right one comes along, or until I become the right girl for someone. 

BE SATISFIED WITH ME


Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says,
“No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.

I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all.
Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And the life I’ve prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love
That exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love.

And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union
Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
For I am God. Believe it and be satisfied.

-St. Anthony of Padua

Stages…

500 Days of Summer was a favorite movie of mine for it chronicled the rollercoaster that embody relationships. I understood it then when I first watched it. But now I won’t be able to say the same…
I came across this short docu of the stages of a relationship and for some reason I can no longer relate to it. Did I forget the art of relationships? Have I closed my heart on love? Or am I content and happy with life that I no longer believe that every relationship go through these stages? Maybe I just started to believe that there are mini-stages away from the final stage. Maybe, after all, I believe in forever.
Without further rambling, here is “Strangers, Again”. What do you think of it?

 
 

Gold Standard

I see a guy from the corner of my eye.  He piques my interest.  But before I go about getting attracted to him, I wonder how he would be like compared to… you.
And that’s when it hit me.  You have become my gold standard.  Even through all the heartaches that our complicated friendship have brought me, you still are the basis of comparison for every guy I will meet.  It’s not to say you’re perfect.  We both very well know that is not the case.  Nor is it to say that the perfect one is me.
This realization leaves me feeling mixed emotions.
Emptiness, because I have come to accept that it will never be you, there will never be “us”.
Gratitude, because you have brought alive in me this set of standards that will bring me to the One.
Relief, because with you still by my side I know I will be able to choose more wisely, since I have the standard right in front of me.
Yet, I can’t help feeling stuck somehow.  And afraid.  That when I let the possibility of “us” go in February I may have also subjected myself to a lifetime of always comparing him to you.  That whoever will be in my life will have to live under the shadow of the one that got away.  And I don’t want that to happen.
I guess just to give myself some peace of mind today, I will just remind myself that the Gold Standard didn’t work.  And that when I find him, he doesn’t need to be an exact replica of you.   And that maybe I have to tell myself to look beyond gold and start looking at diamonds – them who look rugged and dangerous on the exterior but when tried, tested and polished, can be the brilliant match I need.
So, maybe the next time I see him, that guy who piqued my interest, I will just ask myself,  “Is he diamond or gold?”

halaga…

Isinusuko ko na ang laban. Bakit? Pagkat marami nang panahon
ang nakalipas. Tigang na ang daluyan ng luha.  Nanghina na ang tibok ng puso. Marami nang
pangyayaring nakapagbigay sa akin ng bagong pag-asa sa maliwanag na kinabukasang
nakalaan para sa akin, at maaring para na rin sa yo.  Binigyan ako ng pagkakataong sabihing kakayanin
ko, kahit wala ka. Higit sa lahat isinusuko ko na ang laban dahil alam ko at tanggap
ko na hindi ka lilingon sa mga panahong pinagsamahan natin. Tanggap ko na – na hindi mo ako ipaglalaban
gaya ng paglaban ko para sa ‘yo. Tanggap kong kailan man hindi naging akin ang
buong puso mo, ilang bahagi nito marahil binigay mo ngunit hindi buo.  

Ngunit kahit sumusuko na ako
hindi ko pa rin mapigilang tanungin sa sarili kung kahit kailan ba ay nagkaroon
ako ng halaga sa ‘yo.  Ngunit ano ang
timbangan ng halaga?  Sa paanong
paraan ko ito makikita?  Paano ito
binibilang? Tama na. Hindi ko karapatan ang manimbang.  Ngunit karapatan kong mabigyang halaga.

Bago ako tuluyang kumawala sa
bitag ng kabiguan, ayoko nang pagdudahan pa – ikaw, ako, at kung anumang
namagitan sa atin. Nais ko lang ay kapayapaan, katahimikan. At kung hamon nito ay ang tanggapin din
ang katotohanang wala akong halaga sa
iyo, haharapin ko ang hamon para sa katahimikan. Uusal ako ng panalangin para sa yo, mula sa natitirang
lakas ng pag-ibig na pinanghina ng pagdududa at pagsasawalang-bahala. 
Ito ang aking panalangin – na makita
mo Siya. Siya na bibigyan mong halaga.  Siya na buong tapang mong pagbibigyan ng iyong
buong puso. Siya na hindi kailanman kailangang manlimos sa pag-ibig mo. Dalangin ko
para sa yo’y pag-ibig – tunay, wagas, tapat at busilak.

Huwag mo akong alalahanin. Isang araw
matatagpuan ko rin ang para sa akin. Mauunawaan ko rin ang timbangan ng halaga
pagkat mararamdaman ko rin kung paano mabigyang-halaga.

Salamat at pinatibay mo ako.

PS. ‘Ster Fleur, thanks for the inspiring note on your blogsite.

Comes the Dawn and Finding Closure

Comes the Dawn
Virginia Shopstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company isn’t security.
(Kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.)

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.

So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.

And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn…

******************************************************************

E-emo na naman ako! 

Not really emo per se, I’m better now. Truly!! Thanks to the love of friends and family who’ve been helping me pull through quite a tough moment in my simple life.  Anyhow, the tears have dried up (I think and I hope!).  There are still moments where sadness comes but gladly words of encouragement have all been helpful. I’m headstrong now, almost at the point of no-looking back, only looking forward. I think the day when I’ll be laughing at myself for having sulked and moped is actually drawing near. 

Right now I’m feeling that there is no better place to be than here, no better moment than now, and no better person to live my life to the fullest than me.

However, if there’s one thing I’ll still wish for more than anything at this moment that would be to get the closure I need.  But per Jason and Ridj (yay! my other best friend is back!! that’s another story), sometimes I’ll only find it within me.  So find it within me, I shall! 

For one more (and hopefully last) time, I look back nostalgically and lovingly at the two and a half years that passed with the first guy I dared to share dreams with and loved. In so doing, I choose to be thankful for the happy memories shared.  I celebrate the fact that I finally learned love firsthand, with all its rollercoaster turns. And I don’t regret having learned it with and from him, for he is a great person.  I choose to think of how the whole experience has helped shape me to be who I am today. I acknowledge the fact that for many moments while in that relationship I know that I loved and was loved back.  I don’t regret the choices (sudden as they may have been) because they must have been destined to be made.  I try to keep myself from continuing to hope that a reunion is in the works in the future. Hoping for such might not be in both of our best interests. But I also try to  be open for its possibility (it’s actually tough if you ask me! Sidenote: how do you not hope and remain open for the possibility?  ) because I don’t know what the future holds.

I will not and cannot say how a good thing such as "us" fell apart. That will be partial — you’ll only hear my side of the story.  The great person that he is deserves the privacy and his side of the coin. Besides, I still don’t know what exactly made it crumble anyways.  For my sanity, I will choose not to keep finding out.

I also accept the reality that transitioning from being a "couple" to being "just friends" is a tough achievement that only a privileged few get to work out.  I hope we work it out that way, so I’m praying for lots of luck.  For now, I’ll respect the space we both need to sort our stuff out on our own. At the right time, "friendship" will be worked out.

Rebounds?  A super no-no for me.  I choose to be in this state of reborn-singlehood for at least six months. Probably even longer than that. We’ll see.  Yes, you guessed it right I am not looking for anyone right now (haha! as if someone’s looking for me?!?).  First, because it’s not fair especially to me and also to him.  You can’t just replace someone as though they were things, especially someone who’s got a hold of your heart for quite sometime.  Doing so would be similar to lying to your heart (to yourself).  Also, I can’t jump into a new relationship without allowing myself to learn, really learn from the old one I just got out of. There are a lot of things to work on within me, so that comes first priority.

Now, that’s closure. 🙂

For those of you tired of me talking about this, please note that this may be my last post about the topic. I will try to make the next ones different and more sensible.  Some will still cover relationships, of course, but on a more detached tone. 

My dawn has come!

paano ako naiba sa kanila?

heto na naman ako aali-aligid sa mundo ng friendster. tila tinutukso ng mga litrato ng mga kaibigan kong kasalukuyang may minamahal.  pero sige pa rin ako, pasilip-silip at pabasa-basa ng mga munting “captions” nila na tila nilalahad ang kanilang mga kwento ng pag-ibig.  gusto kong sumigaw: “Tama na!! nakukuha ko na ang mensaheng nais nyong ipahayag sa buong mundo… oo na! masarap magmahal…” pero di ako sisigaw. bakit?  una, magmumukha akong baliw dito sa kwadrado kong espasyo sa opisina. pangalawa, wala akong karapatang sumigaw at magreklamo.  bakit?  pagkat gaya nila umibig rin ako. ang iba lang siguro hindi ko na maalala kung masarap nga ba ang damdaming iyon.  sadyang namanhid na yata ang puso ko ng pangungulila at pati na rin ang pagkabigong dinanas ko noong nandon pa ako sa kalagayan nilang may minamahal.
At gaya ng isang gamu-gamo sa may lampara ay nanunumbalik ang pagkausisero ko tungkol sa damdaming iyon. Nais kong maintindihan ano nga bang pinagkaiba ko sa kanila?  bakit ako ngayon nag-iisa?  masayang malungkot ngunit nag-iisa.  bakit tila di ko narating ang sayang nadarama nila?  namutawi ba kailanman sa aking labi ang ngiting tila di mabubura gaya nang sa larawan nila? naiinggit ako at nangangarap na isang araw darating din sa akin ang damdaming iyon. ang saya na dulot ng may minamahal at may nagmamahal.
marahil, hindi pa ito ang panahon para sa akin. gaya ng payo ng isa sa aking mga kaibigan — kung hindi tama ang tao, panahon o tagpo, hindi ito wastong pag-ibig.  isang araw magiging wasto rin ang lahat.  isang araw iibig din ako. isang araw sasaya din sa piling ng isang taong alam kong mahal ko at minamahal ako. pero sa ngayon, karapatan kong usisain ang mga larawan ng aking mga kaibigan.  karapatan kong sumaya sa kaligayahang nadarama nila. karapatan kong makilala ang sarili ko ng lubos, lumago sa aking pagkatao at ihanda ang sarili para sa araw na darating din ang pag-ibig sa akin. higit sa lahat, karapatan at tungkulin kong maghilom pagkat iyon ang simula ng kaligayahan.
pasintabi sa inyong lahat: o di ba tarush!  nagtagalog ako!!  :-p try-hard nga lang…

Staying true…

They say the key to growing up is staying true to how you really feel and knowing what you really want.  Well, although my last post was a bit upbeat and hopeful, I can’t deny the fact that I’m still not completely healed from the painful decision I’ve made. At least not yet. I’ve started that moving on process and been progressing quite well. And I know I’m on my way.  But, it just doesn’t go away overnight.  I am not in a hurry.  I know it will be okay in time.  So far, everything’s still good with me.  Even though there’s still a surge of questions, moods and pains that I feel now, everything’s really good.   

I am trying hard to capture what I feel inside, to speak out the questions I’ve been asking.  And I found it in a familiar song from years ago.  It’s the theme from Bridget Jones’ Diary (the first one). I’m just so in Bridget’s shoes right now…  Here goes…

Out of Reach
Gabrielle

Knew the signs wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn’t see
We were never meant to be

Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was so confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn’t see
We were never meant to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You’ll be out of my mind
And I’ll be over you

But now I’m so confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never meant to be

Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There’s a life out there for me

After the Rain…

I think it’s final.  There’s no uncertainty in my so-called lovelife anymore.  It’s done and the future I don’t know what it holds for me now. And folks that’s how it’s done, that’s how you get a tired and broken heart.  I’d choose not to elaborate further as I’m not entirely sure what to elaborate.  There are a lot of things hanging but the only thing I feel is certain is that there’s no turning back this time. All I know right now is I’m numb, thankful for the memories, apologetic for the hurt I brought on, wishful that I will find that strength to move on, hopeful that we both remain true to the promise to be friends… Maybe this is my answered prayer and I know I will be okay, someday.   

There’s a song in my head right now that I listen to (cry a little bit to) and I just feel it so deeply now.  I’m giving it up to the Giver of all things.  And I know I will be okay…

LAY IT DOWN
(Jaci Velasquez)

I’ve been lookin’ till my eyes are tired of lookin’
Listenin’ till my ears are numb from listenin’
Prayin’ till my knees are sore from kneelin’ on the bedroom floor

I know that you know that my heart is achin’
I’m running out of tears and my will is breakin’
I don’t think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin’ through my folded hands

Chorus:
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What eles can I do
Everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go,
I’m gonna lay it down.

Verse:
I’ve been walkin’ through this world like I’m barely livin’
Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been diggin’
But You’re pullin’ me out
I’m finally breathin’ in the open air
This room may be dark but I’m finally seein’
There’s a new ray of hope, and now I’m believin’

That the past is past, and the future’s beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Chorus:
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what more can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
You know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go,
I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna lay it down

I’m gonna lay it down.

The Season’s Simple Gifts

So here’s my wishlist this holiday season… Not that I’m obliging everyone to get me something, okay?  Just wanted to make a list of my heart’s desires this season. 

1.  True love — one that I can give and can be as truly given to me. 

2.  Help getting started on my "future" plan.  A clear head that will finally tell me whether I should go MBA or not.

3. Financial responsibility 

4. Rubik’s cube

5. Deluxe Edition Scrabble — the one that revolves and is mahogany-colored

6a. A decent headphone to listen to my music at work and at home before I sleep — okay, okay, specifics: Bose Triport IE :-p

6b. Compact photo printer — the mid-range HP one that prints 4×6 and 5x7s. 

7. A semi-large tote bag– I’m not really big on brands but just something that can hold the things I can’t leave home without (cell, bulky wallet bec. of receipts, gloss, powder, digital camera, eyeglasses, etc).  Not too big, not too small.  But fashionista-worthy enough. 

8. A coin purse — so I can house the copper and silver that’s been making my wallet too bulky and unpresentable

9. Laptop holder – the one that I can put my laptop on when I work from home so I won’t feel the heat of the power source and also practice some ergo

10. World peace! 

But nonetheless, I am already thankful enough for all the blessings and learnings of 2006.  Thank you to the people who stood by me and watch me grow from girl to woman this year!  Thank you to the people who’ve always pulled through for me when I started to lose hope!  Thank you also to the people who seem to have disappointed me; please know that you didn’t let me down, instead you helped me grow.  Thank you Lord for surrounding me with these people, truly You had me in mind during that First Christmas.

Have a great holiday everyone!  Enjoy the season’s simple gifts.