I hope you read this with an open mind. And I hope you don’t attack or judge the entire group for my personal opinion. Some of you are demanding for a personal explanation. Some of you are sitting quietly in the dark wondering what happened. And because this affects me nearly on a daily basis now, thought I would say something, finally. I don’t promise to be coherent, since I’m writing this with all my emotions intact, and usually when I do, I don’t make sense. But here, let’s try…
I am human. I have my biases (meaning: partial perspectives in expense of alternatives, not to be mistaken for favorite member). And sometimes my reason gets clouded by my bias (same meaning as earlier provided). I have disappointments, and sometimes my bias (again, same meaning) gets in the way of what I get disappointed with. For some time now, after the incident of my “public appearance” and strong opinions at a non-CNB and prominent review site has reached its turmoil point, I had been reflecting.
Have they lost me? Am I not Boice anymore? Why have they lost me? And can I find my way back?
These were the questions I had.
The answers run deeper and because I realize my statements hold strong when publicly said, I won’t go into details as to what answers I found.
I won’t try to explain what’s been “misunderstood”. Or why lines of separation seem to be drawn among people, because I don’t think that serves the greater epiphany I had, in this period of self-reflection. The gist of my epiphany is this…
I want to find my way back. I want to learn to love them equally as I’ve had before. I want to find it in my heart to really look at CNBLUE the same way, because that’s the only way I could stay. And I need to stay, because the disappointment you all had for my actions warrant a true show of sincerity and worthiness of the title you all have indirectly bestowed on me. And because the blood, sweat, tears that our team, my CNBStorm family, did to reach where we were before this all happened, deserves another chance.
I could keep typing up public apologies, statements, or whatever else official, in my role as Communications Director for the team, but I realize, that won’t help. It fans the fire, raises more questions, creates confusions. These empty strings of words won’t help, if I don’t try to change my ways personally. To be someone worthy of your trust, again.
That being said, I want to also say I was hurt by how this all turned out. I felt violated at one point, and I am still trying to find it in my heart a way to forgive the people and the grievances that was also done to me and our family — the unnecessary judgment, the intrusion of privacy, the unrealistic expectations set on us, the harsh arrows of words we were forced to take. I still think most of those were undeserved, relative to everything we’ve done so far, before all of this. Yet, I realize that there is a wrong made to other people, a larger group of people, on our part as well. With that, maybe we could call it somewhat even. It’s not worth measuring or counting the gravity of wrongs now, since words have already been said, actions already done.
We may not believe in punishment. But I personally believe in humility. You are asking us all to bow in apology. My pride tells me to stand with head held high. But, my heart tells me to kneel. This once, I will follow my heart. And so, with this I kneel…
Inspired by the tears of disappointment and the bar you’ve raised for us. Wearied by trials. I realize there is one thing I want to live for — to become a better person, in general. And part of that is to review the ways I define my “loyalty”, and that whenever that loyalty becomes partial, to know when to leave.
I am sorry if I ever thought my words meant nothing. And if I lightly took the influence you trusted me with. So, thank you for humbling me.
I can’t promise to be spotless, for I am not perfect. But I promise to try. You deserve at least that. Because you believe I could, I would. Because you think I should, I could.
And if you ever thought I had not been paying attention, I want to say that this whole ordeal was a wake-up call, at least for me. It was jarring, shocking, to see castles you built with your tears, blood & sweat nearly crumble like dust because you let a prideful torrent in.
This is the last time I will speak or write about this. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me, for that instance I was the one to directly wrong you. As I find it in my heart, to firm myself up, until I am worthy enough to represent you again.
Again, all of the above is simply a personal statement. CNBStorm is not mandating staffers involved to make their own personal statements. If others in the team choose to remain silent, I ask that you please respect their choice, and trust that they are also self-reflecting privately. The general rule on this issue within the family is to remain silent. As I previously said, we realize that more words, more statements will not help, so we are making the choice to be silent, so that we may just prove to you with our conduct, our actions moving forward what we have learned throughout this ordeal. We realize that some of you may have already left, some of you may never see us the same anymore, and for some of you we now only have a tarnished reputation. And that was the high price we have to pay. That was a tough lesson learned. From now forward, we will try to keep polishing, to keep scrubbing by working harder to bring you timely updates and objective opinions on CNBLUE. We will work harder, because this is the only way we know. So, again thank you for humbling us.