Dowotee’s Personal Statement of Reflection Regarding @CNBStorm

I hope you read this with an open mind. And I hope you don’t attack or judge the entire group for my personal opinion. Some of you are demanding for a personal explanation. Some of you are sitting quietly in the dark wondering what happened. And because this affects me nearly on a daily basis now, thought I would say something, finally. I don’t promise to be coherent, since I’m writing this with all my emotions intact, and usually when I do, I don’t make sense. But here, let’s try…

I am human. I have my biases (meaning: partial perspectives in expense of alternatives, not to be mistaken for favorite member). And sometimes my reason gets clouded by my bias (same meaning as earlier provided). I have disappointments, and sometimes my bias (again, same meaning) gets in the way of what I get disappointed with. For some time now, after the incident of my “public appearance” and strong opinions at a non-CNB and prominent review site has reached its turmoil point, I had been reflecting.

Have they lost me? Am I not Boice anymore? Why have they lost me? And can I find my way back?

These were the questions I had.

The answers run deeper and because I realize my statements hold strong when publicly said, I won’t go into details as to what answers I found.

I won’t try to explain what’s been “misunderstood”. Or why lines of separation seem to be drawn among people, because I don’t think that serves the greater epiphany I had, in this period of self-reflection. The gist of my epiphany is this…

I want to find my way back. I want to learn to love them equally as I’ve had before. I want to find it in my heart to really look at CNBLUE the same way, because that’s the only way I could stay. And I need to stay, because the disappointment you all had for my actions warrant a true show of sincerity and worthiness of the title you all have indirectly bestowed on me. And because the blood, sweat, tears that our team, my CNBStorm family, did to reach where we were before this all happened, deserves another chance.

I could keep typing up public apologies, statements, or whatever else official, in my role as Communications Director for the team, but I realize, that won’t help.  It fans the fire, raises more questions, creates confusions.  These empty strings of words won’t help, if I don’t try to change my ways personally. To be someone worthy of your trust, again.

That being said, I want to also say I was hurt by how this all turned out. I felt violated at one point, and I am still trying to find it in my heart a way to forgive the people and the grievances that was also done to me and our family — the unnecessary judgment, the intrusion of privacy, the unrealistic expectations set on us, the harsh arrows of words we were forced to take. I still think most of those were undeserved, relative to everything we’ve done so far, before all of this. Yet, I realize that there is a wrong made to other people, a larger group of people, on our part as well. With that, maybe we could call it somewhat even. It’s not worth measuring or counting the gravity of wrongs now, since words have already been said, actions already done.

We may not believe in punishment. But I personally believe in humility. You are asking us all to bow in apology. My pride tells me to stand with head held high. But, my heart tells me to kneel. This once, I will follow my heart. And so, with this I kneel…

Inspired by the tears of disappointment and the bar you’ve raised for us. Wearied by trials. I realize there is one thing I want to live for — to become a better person, in general. And part of that is to review the ways I define my “loyalty”, and that whenever that loyalty becomes partial, to know when to leave.

I am sorry if I ever thought my words meant nothing. And if I lightly took the influence you trusted me with. So, thank you for humbling me.

I can’t promise to be spotless, for I am not perfect. But I promise to try. You deserve at least that. Because you believe I could, I would. Because you think I should, I could.

And if you ever thought I had not been paying attention, I want to say that this whole ordeal was a wake-up call, at least for me. It was jarring, shocking, to see castles you built with your tears, blood & sweat nearly crumble like dust because you let a prideful torrent in.

This is the last time I will speak or write about this. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me, for that instance I was the one to directly wrong you.   As I find it in my heart, to firm myself up, until I am worthy enough to represent you again.

Again, all of the above is simply a personal statement.  CNBStorm is not mandating staffers involved to make their own personal statements.  If others in the team choose to remain silent, I ask that you please respect their choice, and trust that they are also self-reflecting privately.  The general rule on this issue within the family is to remain silent.  As I previously said, we realize that more words, more statements will not help, so we are making the choice to be silent, so that we may just prove to you with our conduct, our actions moving forward what we have learned throughout this ordeal.   We realize that some of you may have already left, some of you may never see us the same anymore, and for some of you we now only have a tarnished reputation.  And that was the high price we have to pay. That was a tough lesson learned. From now forward, we will try to keep polishing, to keep scrubbing by working harder to bring you timely updates and objective opinions on CNBLUE.  We will work harder, because this is the only way we know. So, again thank you for humbling us.

Comments

  1. Jason

    Thanks D. Because I know you well, and can read through your style choices when writing, simply because I am your Oppa, and I know your heart…I want to address the confusion raised regarding the “misunderstanding”.

    To the person who is confused about “misunderstanding” as a word choice that appeared in both CNBStorm official statements, please do not inflect as though the misunderstanding is on YOUR part. The author, D, put both statements in a tone wherein CNBStorm is taking responsibility for their actions. So, the “misunderstanding” is not yours but CNBStorm’s. Hopefully clarified by D’s personal statement above, CNBStorm “misunderstood” the role that was bestowed on them, the influence/the power they hold, the expectations being set to them, the rules being enforced to them that they did not sign up for. These were the things they misunderstood. Given that they did not expect all of this weight, responsibility to be put on their shoulders, they felt the need to defend themselves, and in a momentary lapse in judgment, to lash back. And that is what they apologize about — for causing confusion as a result of misunderstood expectations. In both statements released, CNBStorm never blamed anyone and was trying to take responsibility, so let me put this bluntly, their statement was not about YOU but about THEM. It was an apology to you for what they have done.

    With regard to the “international Boice” word choice, the way that I see it, they were simply trying to differentiate two likely fandom cultures. International Boice, due to the nature of dispersion, have no organized rules they follow and less expectations, whereas K-Boice are more strict. In trying to maintain their own identities, the immediate defense for affected CNBStorm staffers was to tout that International Boice is closer to their actual self. But with D’s statement above, I think there’s now an acknowledgement that even with International Boice, for a lack of a better term, being laidback, a breach of trust was done and that is still the core of what they are apologizing for in both official statements previously released. And again what D is humbly asking everyone’s forgiveness about.

    I am not commenting simply to defend my dongsaeng on her page, but because I’ve witnessed backstage how hard these ladies work. And how hurt they were with this incident. And how even with all that hurt, they choose to move forward, to continue serving the fandom they love. In their moment of weakness, I appeal to Boice to stand behind them and prop them back up instead of scourging them.

    I try to imagine a Boice fandom without CNBLUEStorm, and I shudder at the image. That could also have been the choice they made as a result of this ordeal, you know? They could have chosen to turn away when their sincerity was questioned. To shut down as they feel people turning backs on them. To leave a fandom that is shooing them away. Imagine a BOICE world like that, without them, tell me what you see.

    1. Vivien

      @Jason Please don’t undo the good work that Dowotee has done here by saying that those 2 official statements released is not about ‘YOU’ but about ‘THEM’. The ‘YOU’ doesn’t represent one individual, it represents all the people that got hurt by the remarks. And itsn’t it natural to seek clarification if we don’t understand?

      @dowotee – thank you. I can only imagine how hard it was to do this. I’m one of those YH fans that got hurt by the events earlier but I appreciate your writing this and thank you again for your sincerity. My respect to you for being this courageous.

    2. Jason

      I stand scolded Vivien. That’s fair of you to say. Troll moment, as my oppa instincts kicked in. I guess D was wiser to have opted not to touch on any of that, since obviously people can’t see eye-to-eye on this. Without my blunt statement, I think everything else should be considered. Or more importantly, that D’s apology stands.

  2. miem

    i truly understand this and i hope things are resolved now. Fighting for more upcoming years of being a BOICE!!!!! ^_________________^ TQ for this one ^^

  3. sajatokki

    I feel like I stepped out from CNBStorm loooong ago, and yet I’m hurt and deeply affected because…you’re still my online family, you know? And I know how hard it is for everyone to balance everything -real life and online matters – and yet you do it, for the love of CNBLUE. And it’s been for a few years – posting news, gathering orders to keep them #1, organizing birthday projects, even a charity project! And all that for what now? People questioning why such fans exist?

    I am certain I’ve reached a point where I only care because you’re my friends and if it wasn’t for you girls, I would have stopped bothering about Kpop long ago. I truly admire you for deciding to move forward and work harder! More virtual hugs, as if I haven’t sent out enough! >>:D<<

  4. chocotrees

    I might dunno know exactly what happened to you and CNBStorm. But I hope, this problem will be solved soon.
    I wanna address my biggest thanks for all of CNBStorm. Try to answer what Jason said above, how if there’s no CNBStorm in Boice life? This is only what I feel and experienced before. The one who help me to know more about CNBLUE is CNBStorm. Since d first time I’ve decided to follow more about CNBLUE it was so fortune to have CNBStorm who share all the info in english. Yes, that’s the first point I salute all of you. How, we int’l boice who don’t understand Korean or Japanese, are able to follow every updates about them? Yes, there are articles in english, but I get many info that I dun get from those articles and I get it from you. Translating the articles, provide any updates and many things that you’ve done, it aint that easy. You keep to do those things, even u r busy with your own business. You guys do all of this in the name of your love towards CNBLUE. With all of your strength or you limit, you keep to put an effort as if you do it for your own job. I always wonder how could you guys keep maintain this fandom, with huge number of boice, arrange many things, and even the staffs are from different country rite??
    Thanks for what you have done, and thanks for ur willingness to keep work hard. I’m here and other boices to always support you 😉

  5. Lyna

    D, I really don’t know what to say.. i can’t even find the words to express my feelings this post has brought upon me.

    I usually write things when I have cooled down. Yesterday when I read your post, I was really holding back my tears.. but reading Jason’s comment, I broke down and cry. Yeah.. in the office. I just covered my face with the mask.. First time, I am grateful for this sickening scent of paint since our office is undergoing renovations.

    I just would like to thank you for being with me. I, honestly, treat you and Fizzy as my alter ego. Life as an administrator have been bearable with you and Fizzy at my side. I sincerely can not do it alone. That’s why I am really grateful that despite our numerous arguments, you stayed. We still stay together. As I’ve said privately to you and Fizzy, if there’s something we should be grateful for this incident, it binds us together, even more stronger… as one family.

    Once again, thank you very much… for being a friend, CNBLUESTORM’s Communication Director and my alter ego.

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