Jealous

Jealous of the one who won your heart

They say it’s a perfect match
She’s gonna get to be where you are
And I don’t get better than that
She’ll say you’re fine
Whisper words I wish were mine
And they might’ve been, if I had been there… –

(Excerpts from “Jealous” an OPM soul song from Nina)

She’s a very lucky girl. Does she know that? I hope she does.

I met him many moons ago. And back then, he was already the boy that made my heart sing. He still is that boy, if he only knows. I jumped at the moment I heard about this opportunity to work with him again. To see him almost everyday. To watch him walk away from me everyday. To make my heart do its rollercoaster ride over and over again. And I held back for a while for only one reason. Her. Yes, the girl who now makes his heart sing. She made me think twice about this whole situation.

My own circle of friends tell me what a dangerous situation I am putting my heart in. After all, they saw me grow up beside him. Always the girl by his side, the girl who understands, the girl who always gets set aside when a more glamorous noona or a cute dongsaeng gives him the attention he needs. He makes me happy, and to me that was enough. It still is enough. I’m happy when I know he is. And I live somewhat for the moments he tells me that in my own way I make him happy too.

We are kindred spirits. We grew up under bright lights. We were trained to make our heart believe what our fans want us to believe. But amid all that, we always knew we had each other to run to. That with all the craziness of our chosen paths, we will have an empathetic friend. No one knows about this, our continuous journey together. We made our choice not long ago, to hold our friendship sacred. We didn’t take the logical next step when we could’ve, by choice. Because our ambitions were stronger than the love we had but our friendship was more important than those ambitions. So, we saved what we could. And now that we will work together once more, the butterflies of mixed emotions are here again, at least for me.

Just because we’re grown up now, it could’ve been time to see our relationship in a different light. But fate had other plans. His heart already found its match. And I, who is resigned to be happy when he is, can only watch that smile that never fades from his lips. I’ve seen him at his lowest, when his heart broke into a million pieces over a lost love. I’ve seen him at his highest, when he saw the object of his affections, apparently getting giddy over the sight of him also. And I’ve seen him grow up to deal with his matters-of-the-heart publicly and privately. And over time, he amazes me at how he had learned to balance his priorities.

She’s in Taiwan away from him, but she fills his thoughts. Does she know this? That bright smile. Those lively eyes. The excitement to come home after a long day of taping with me. All for her. What’s left to me is the breaks in between takes, the pretend (yet undeniable) chemistry (hey allow me this at least?) between us and the comfort knowing that he considers me his best friend — ever the girl who sees him for who he really is and who will stick with him as the tides ebb and flow.

Yes, my heart sings and breaks every day these days. But what can I do? Even if many would like to vilify me and that stings a lot, I am still me. The one waiting in the wing. The one wishing that she takes good care of his heart, even if that means I will never get my someday, with him.

And even with that I am still thankful. That I get my moments of happiness, even for a little while. That I find temporary solace around him. And that with the choices we made, our pact remains. Him and me. Forever. Even as friends. I am happy with this. Because of that, the pangs of jealousy subsides a bit. And I am only left with a thankful heart, for the gift of him, in my life, however that was destined.

Shin Hye, dongsaeng, for this unni, will you make sure he knows that his existence brightens someone’s world too, your world? It’s not my place to do so. So, I hope you know. You are a very lucky girl.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    If you love someone,
    you have to let them go to places within themselves,
    where they cannot take you,
    and
    where you must never ever ask to go.

  2. Anonymous

    this fanfic illustrates another chapter in the reel love story of go mi nam and huang tae-kyung.
    after reading this, it kind of painted a picture of geun suk as an ambivalent lover of shin hye; but deep in his heart he really longs to be with moon guen young.
    ahhh! so much for watching korean romantic dramas where the second-lead doesn't take the girl. probably in this case, shin hye is the second-lead. the supporting actress, who'll end-up walking away from geun suk and geun young. the reality of episode 15 of yab, where go mi nam decided to leave for good.

    however, you're a good writer same with the blogger of 'love unexpectedly'. you should try your hand in script writing. probably yours will not be sloppy compared to some korean scripts.

  3. Anonymous

    for me, there's a slight reality into this fanfic of yours…as a fan of psh, i would like to believe that it is she that jks really loves… but we really don't know the truth so its better that i leave some room in my heart for disappointment…this writing of yours came at a time where almost all sukkiehye shippers are doubting and hurting….thanks and congratulations.

  4. Anonymous

    Dee.
    If I have known who is the speaker of this fanfic I would have not read it. My heart is aching and breaking right now and I don't know why. Shin hye is young cannot be saddled with searing heartbreak. It is too quiet in her homefront. I am thinking shemust be nursing another pain. I hope she will get better and Good luck to GeunGeun couple.
    Tita Girlie

  5. Anonymous

    fanfics are becoming sadder by the day,
    will all love stories end this way,
    for a year we laughed and cried to our hearts delight,
    now, we watch our stars walked from the limelight to the love of their life.

    huhuhuhuhu…i don't want to cry.

  6. Anonymous

    this is one of those i like of all you've written. why? because of its honesty. i see that you've been experimenting with different emotions lately, so taking the voices of different characters. and because of that you capture them closer to reality.

    this is a must-read for any shipper. a win-win way to show the other side. with this you earned the love of this shipper and a new fan for Geun Young.

    daebak! thank you for writing this.

  7. earthprincess

    Thank you readers for your candid comments!
    And for staying with me in this alternative universe for our StEel couple.

    If I had offended anyone, sank the ship, part of me wants to apologize. However, I won't, simply because in the revamped style for this blog, I would like to present something beyond spazz or anything sugary sweet that will not be reverent to our star couple's realities. Hope you will stay with me…

  8. bianne

    awww… wile i doubt that she actually has romantic feelings towards him, i am sure that, in case she does, she has the wisdom to see it in this perspective.
    (yep, sukkiehye shippers who know me! contrary to popular belief, i am a fan of MGY.((: but i am not shipping her with anyone.)
    i feel her. totally. coz jealous … was once my song, too.(:
    thanks d! i'm seriously swept. ((:

  9. Le Le

    I found this blog a few months ago and have been quietly enjoying all of your wonderful stories. I love your writing. You do an amazing job of capturing what could be going on behind the scenes for this star couple. Your stories are so realistic. Please keep them coming! I will be patiently waiting for your next update.

  10. Anonymous

    hello! any new inspiring fanfic? i like ur writing..seems so real..missing it..pls write another one.. god bless and ill be here waiting.

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