***As presented in the PSHIC (parkshinhye.org) ANJELL FM project. Collaboration with my deity sister, Raine aka jossa. Read her piece here, preferably before mine.***
To: 근석 (Keun Seuk)
June 11, 2010
형님 (Hyung Nim),
I saw you today, looking at me, again, like you always do. And I pretend not to notice so I can concentrate on this routine. Beads of sweat form on my forehead both from practicing these steps endlessly but also from a slight fear at what you were seeing staring at me like that. Who are you seeing now? You have also been doing that since last Fall when we were filming the drama– breaking down my walls, seeing through my different layers and accepting me as I am, at a time when even I was not sure who I was.
Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you’ve constantly watched me in this subtle and cool way. People could even misunderstand your behavior towards me as plain aloofness even apathy. But the gentle way you take care of me is enough to cast all doubts aside. When I was juggling two characters and our audience was ready to tie Go Mi Nam, the clumsy, naive impersonator, to my real self, you were the one who bravely reminded people who the real Shin Hye is — feminine, young and in so many ways still delicate. And I have always been dumbfounded with that — how can this person know me, almost more than I know myself?
Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you saw beyond the disguise I wore and challenged me to shine as Go Mi Nyu – wise beyond her years and brave enough to face the pain head-on that opens the way to growth.
Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you always find me each time I get lost or each time I run away. Yet, also like Hwang Tae Kyung, you let me go when needed so I can forge my own path or find myself again.
Like Hwang Tae Kyung, you have become my star. But only in a way unique to Jang Keun Suk, you don’t blind me; instead you help light my way. As I watch you try and conquer the world, I find myself more inspired — to somehow come up close to where you stand, that I may find myself worthy of the attention you give me, as the way you stare at me just now.
Like Go Mi Nam, I have become your special fan. I can look beyond your imperfections and give you a perfect 100 each time I am asked. I can hiccup in giddiness each time you mention my name. I can be tempted to do my pig-rabbit nose each time you say or do something that shoots bullets straight into my heart.
Yet, like Go Mi Nyu, I also have become your special friend. Someone who is loyal but not blind. Someone who can listen but also say what is on her mind. Someone who can carve her own niche. Someone who looks up to you but also someone you have come to respect and allowed to be your equal. And for letting me be her to you, I will be infinitely grateful.
I am excited to share the same stage with you again soon. And I know you’re thinking that I might be missing Hong Ki or Yong Hwa at this time. Yes, I do. Although no one can take their place and it’s better to have them here, my heart is still happy. Because you’re here. That’s more than enough, honestly.
For watching me
For seeing through me
For accepting me
For being here… right now and always.
Truly I can say that Minamishineyo is the best thing that happened to me, thus far. I will always jump at the chance to do it all over again, even by way of these fan meetings. Why? Because through that drama, I was drawn closer to you, the one who is outside looking in. And because of that, because of you, I found myself.
So in Japan, when the curtain opens, we can play our roles from the drama or be ourselves. You and I know they are one and the same.
Your dongsaeng, #1 fan, and special friend,
신혜 (Shin Hye)